Twilight

after spending the whole day with Ian, i went to church with my exhausted body. This is the first time i made an announcement in the fellowship, feel like being a senior finally. The greatest thing about tonite is , of coz learnt more about God, and then, i saw ANNE!!! omg all the memory came up and all the stuff happened back in highschool just like yesterday! Anne, i remember how well you treat me, i remember how we knew each other, it has been four years! Anne is the person who led me to know more about God! and i wanna thank God for letting Anne to be one of my angels in my life, and also thank God for saving Anne's life for twice!

I'm getting over the pain with my bf, somebody is taking over his place,

damn! i forgot to save a draft and blogspot deleted my whole entry...

Finally i have a peaceful environment a few days with my bf, cuz i decided to cut off a frd of mine. i will no longer as depressed as before cuz my bf does not yell at me anymore for 'that person', i'll move on again :) 2am in the morning and im still doing assignments... and im still reading the textbook to figure out how to do the assignment, thats the result of not paying attention to class, my fault =.= yey im going to have my agnes b thing back, i'll prolly give it to bosco, a real good frd who always by my side listen to me and comfort me when i need help. Ok.. im gonna type up a summary instead of a whole big page of entry again=.= , all i gonna say is : i wanna throw that hat or put it into the bottom of my drawer so that i never see it again, cuz it reminds me of being hurt by him!i never really hate a person, and i always protect myself by not giving out real heart easily for frdship, but i failed. after all jason told me that i shouldnt have thought of him cuz once he disappeared and doesnt care about my feelings, he is not worth. well i guess the only thing i need is to get my stuff back and that's it. i gave him a chance but that rude, conceited attitude told me he is REAL not worth.the reason im typing a whole bunch of words abouit this incident till today becoz i got really hurt!(and of coz that hat reminds me of him everyday, should i throw it?) i'll never forget this person i guess, who wasted my time and money.

studying???

i lock myself at his home after lunch -> to study. (???)
I ended up watching tv/ doing nail polish and baking (for someone who SUDDENLY want to eat FRESH cookies...>.<) the whole day lol Billy came to my building last nite to give me the Polysporin, cuz i cut my leg with a small knife by accident, so i need the cream back >.<. I went downstair to meet him and we stood at the door non-stop talking, talking and talking..=.=" for 20 mins..=.=" o well, talking to Billy makes me happy :)

btw, a person told me this morning that "breaking promise is CORRECT becuz things would change" .... harharharrrrr? what kind of explanation is that? funny ehh LOL

p.s. i finally made michelle to hire Kenny ... *relieve* :)

conversations

i had a deep and serious converstaion with kent today, he said "u do not lose, DO NOT LOSE, so just be strong, forget about the skinny fuck and move on"... But i believe every person is good deep in their hearts... nobody would like to hurt somebody else in purpose,
but i agree with what Kent said, "simon could not stand to be a man, he could not risk to lose, thats why he said he wouldn't easily give up before, and now he left u, so that he seems to be the person who won, and he said he wanna send u the present beoz he wanna save a last good image for himself, he is so self-centreed, and he is way too immature to just disappear for a few days, u should have realized"...
i put my real heart for a frdship and now i got hurt.. should i listen to kent's advice? i guess i'll call once more.. last call to see if he's worth.

MItch is such a great friend, he put all his work and papers down to talk to me... okay i know im being stupid enough to be depressed becoz of a person who is not worth, but i cant control myself...>.<>

:)

now that i realized im surrounded by love when im depressed... (only when im depressed =.=")
i thought all my frds graduated but seems like the lower year frds are also good to me..
Altho i dunno what to say when i face some of them since they're younger than me, i feel the carings. And Haydon is really mature enough to comfort me , and yea I KNOW im a too "innocent" person to trust someone la... chi sin.. i didnt say im not wor.. i admit +_+ .. Haydon who has to work at 8am in the next morning and talked to me till 3am.. im impressed.

really wanna thank my frds from deep in my heart....Bosco, Stephen, Billy, Candy, Jason, Fion, Patrick, Paco, Joey, Mindy, Haydon... thanks la Patrick called up somebody for me, and my plan is confirmed i'll see Pat so soon in Melbourne :D i miss him lei...

Kent is now being my senior advisor tho lol

Especially frds who put down all their studying for midterms and ask me to go out... i didnt realize and expect some of you actually treat me as that important till now...

and i'll take the advice from Kent, never never easily put my heart out for a new frdship again.
face showing that... I GAIN WEIGHT...=.="

傷害

我承認, 我從來就是個極容易受傷害的人。

打從來到加拿大後 , 被傷害無數次 , 重傷了幾次 ,
每次靠進主的懷抱。

後來 , 我開始懂得保護自己 , 但只怪自己太容易把真
心交出 , 我不聽忠告 , 很容易對所有人交出真心 ,
有人令我感動高興,
當然 , 亦有傷害我的。

每次, 每一次!!
別人都覺得 karen 是個非常social 的女孩 ,
有好多朋友 , got lots of lots of frds!
WTF? NO! 我沒有!!
PR doesn NOT equals to lots of frds!
我只有好少好少的朋友 , 都因為環境因素 ,
相繼分散各地。

別人永遠都覺得karen 只懂得笑 , 非常開朗 ,
試問我哭時 , 誰會知道? 又 , 誰會相信?

是, 我懂得所謂「睇人眉頭眼額」,
我有多累有人知道嗎?
我都好想把真性格展現 ,
我是個情勢很易起伏 , 會發脾氣的人。

kent 曾說我脾氣好 , 下? yukie 曾說我脾氣好 , 下下???
我想大嗌 : 「其實我脾氣好差!! 」

還有 , 我非常討厭假惺惺的人 ,
你可以對我假 , 但你就唔係我朋友。

心痛joey
每當心痛時 , 不一定因為自己 , 我最好的朋友 - joey ,
看見她跟 edward 這樣 , 身為朋友的我 , 無能為力 ,
能說的安慰說話 , 我已說了, 但好像幫不上什麼...
當你看著最要好的朋友痛苦時,
自己也會很痛苦。



最後 , 想說的 , 是「他」,
好像很好喔 , 但可以因為沒錢時, 把送給我的禮物給退換 ,
那個難受的感覺 , 好難說明白 , 被騙了 !
我好像被騙了很久 , 是我太蠢容易相信別人 ,
一次又一次相信他的promise, 然後一次又一次被騙 ,
他有沒有把我當「朋友」 , 早看透了 , 我只是用作sib 時間的玩物,
交了新女友後 , 我這玩物沒用了 ,
再加上數次 , 太失望了... 我放棄, 我認輸, 因為我不想被傷害。

要來的, 始終會來 (二)

這一天, 終於來到, 是我的錯嗎?
執著的我, 被傷害過後作出反擊, 然後卻後悔了。

因為我間接毀滅了我倒之間的關係

幸而我在香港, 周圍的生活環境, 朋友, 替我築起了防護牆,
然而防護牆的功效有張, 像網般輕, 搖搖欲墜,
我還是被傷害了, 只是情度沒想像中深

待人之道

(從「穿戴聽看網不盡」處轉載)

要尊重那些地位比自己高或相等的人, 不難;

能真正善待和尊敬比自己能力低或處於下風的人,
才是真正的待人之道

勁無聊又stupid conversations

karen says (上午 11:27):stop saying ur in hk..=.=
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):hk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):hk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):hk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):hk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):inhk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):in hk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:27):in hk
karen says (上午 11:27):.....................
karen says (上午 11:28):wanna get beaten up?
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:28):haha
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:28):it doesnt amtter
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:28):cuz
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:28):ur in canada
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:28):and im in hk
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:28):u cant beat me up xD
karen says (上午 11:29):...............ELDON!!
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:29):lol
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:29):jks
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:29):jks
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:29):im jking!
karen says (上午 11:29):remember to eat more street food
karen says (上午 11:30):like siu mai and fishballs
karen says (上午 11:30):and deep fried squid
karen says (上午 11:30):have fun
Eldon (in hk) says (上午 11:30):yes mam!

我真係好鐘意同Eldon 傾計 ~ 諗返起我地o係飛機度識, 成件事都幾攪笑! and... i'll be in HK SOON TOO !! >_<

要來的, 始終會來

我早就作好心理準備, 預備好那天的來臨, 即使那天比預期中早到, 防護網替我擋去傷害。是否人長大了, 懂得瀟灑放低?

希望防護網夠堅固, 即使我回到香港面對他, 情緒不會被困擾。

憂慮

性格向來樂觀的我, 續漸長大後學會憂慮

但.. 我現在憂慮的, 不單只是前途問題, 亦包括別人可能認為微不足道的事情...

我很怕那天的來臨, 日子一天一天的過去, 那天亦相對越來越近, 我不知道那天的正確日期, 因為隨著時間的飛逝, 它可隨時來臨。事實上, 我早有心理準備「這些日子」是不能維持太久, 美好的時光總是短暫的, 唯有放開, 學會瀟灑的放低。

念

我好想念我的朋友
friends who usually take care of me when im alone in canada
friends who treat me real good

friends who dont mind helping me all the time,
and always by my side whenever i need them

as time goes by, they're all graduated..

especially Jin, a friend who helped me out since i was a stupid freshman who nobody cares (since i entered school in Jan, nobody knows im a freshman)

i still remember how we first met each other in the Innis Library.... i didnt know how to print off my work from the computer at school, had no clue how to pay for it

Karen: (english) hi... sorry im a new student, do u mind showing me the way how to print off work from the computer?
Jin: sure sure... (english)
Karen: are u chinese? do u speak cantonese?
Jin: 識呀~ (CHINESE lol)
Karen: 你香港黎架?
Jin: 唔係呀, 不過而家係 January , 點解係new student?
下!? print 野ja wor都唔識? 拿我教你...

haha.. finally Jin taught me everything that i could use in the library and also paid for my printing fees...
and he lived across the street from my building!
i saw him at school almost everyday all in coincidence lol

Jin, a guy who takes the role of my brother, has been taking care of me for my entire uni life till he graduated last december. He had been accompanying me all the time whenever i need him

I miss him so much, and he came back to Canada last month for his convocations ... for only 5 days... He had been calling me a few times hoping to meet me up, and i was stupid enough that i missed all his callssssss!! :(

looking forward to meet him up in hk again, Jin :)
haha i think i gotta apply for a visa, so that i can go to Guangzhou and visit Jin ^_^

會心微笑

最近一整個月都在跟他談天說地,
話題總是說不盡, 跟他談天很舒服, 很放心,
我總是不其然的, 把自己最真實的一面讓他看見,
可能是很遠的關係? 所以我不怕受傷害。

從來沒想過可以這樣,
很奇特的感覺, 有時間我會去探望他。
_________________________

Pinky, 從一開始認識, 就很遷就我的女孩
一個我非常重視的朋友
不常多見, 但真心的朋友, 卻在心中

今年, 她結婚了, 有了她和她老公的寶貝bb
她都有屬於自己的家庭了... 而我則還在求學

世事難料, 身邊的朋友一個一個地結婚了,
我才正式發現自己的年齡, 已踏入人生另一個階段。

遺憾的是我身在外地未能參加她的婚禮....
__________________________

Kathy, 訂婚了, 一個像天使般守護我的朋友,
好幸福 ^.^ 他的未婚夫是個好好的人呢~
這次提早通知, 無論如何我都要想辦法留在加拿大,
參加她的婚禮....

thanks god, im so lucky to have frds like angels around me...
i love u Kathy!

點滴感受

來到加拿大將近四年, 看著照片, 回憶一擁而上,
四年時間, 經歷不少....

初來報到, 父母給我安排寄宿學校, 縱使哥哥和親戚不理我, 我亦得到基本照顧, 在朋友的幫助陪伴下, 渡過一年的寄宿生捱。
在友情/愛情的衝擊下, 18歲的我不懂處理, 情緒失控,
我處於最無助的情況下,
主耶穌不停的幫助我, 派了許多如天使 般的朋友在我身旁照顧我。

然而, 時間飛逝, 照顧我的朋友亦相繼畢業離開, 阿Ling, Iris... 連一直陪伴我的 Joey 好朋友們, 都分散到各地的大學,
初入大學, 我不懂分配時間, 自我管制能力近乎零,
每星期有四個晚上, 都外出跟朋友哇啦哇啦吃飯,
一來浪費金錢, 二來浪費時間,
然後就是每星期 唱K, house party, 活在酒精世界,
隊酒後第二天頭痛得很, 心口發悶, 要在家休息一整天,
結果荒廢學業,
幸而summer school 救了我, 把我的GPA 拉回正常水平。

在大學生捱裡, 認識了Calvin, 一個幫助我許多的人,
但最近他變了, 不提也罷,
然後認識了Kent, 好記得他曾說我脾氣好,
說完這句他就慘了.... heehe...
Yukie, Judy, Vivian, Kathy, 都是照顧我的好姊妹,
他們都畢業了, 只剩Kathy在讀master,
我不敢想像, 一天, 當他們全都離開我後, 我的生活會如何?

2008 的 birthday party, 到場10分鐘後, 我被philo 隊臨=.="
幸好Kent 開車送我回家, charming 非常友善地照顧我,
結果我因喝酒太多, 心口悶得睡不著, 好不辛苦!!

然面, 當朋友一個又一個的畢業離開,
我參觀他們的convocation 很替他們高興,
亦發現自己是時候要真正獨立, 學會照顧他人,
我從來只喜歡跟我同齡, 或年紀較大的朋友在一起,
他們都畢業時, 我感到很"旁"惶無助,
時而認識了 Billy 及Candy, 人很好, 間中會一起吃飯 :)
我是時候埋首新的圈子裡去。

我希望我可以照顧別人, 雖然 Toby 是個失敗的例子=.="
但我會努力的!
還有... 雖然朋友們大多都畢業,
幸而 Bosco 要讀 medical school, 他會陪伴我到畢業的日子XDD

p.s. i know Bosco wouldnt see this, but i still wanna type out my thoughts.. bosco ur really a great frd, u have been treating me so good since i was a "special" freshman(as of i entered school in Jan).
Whenever im upset, ur there to listen to me.
When i need help, ur willing to help me out.
BUT.... i treated u so badly... STUPID ME!
remember how i left u in the street and went away last time in hk? i did such an idiot thing, i feel really bad... and after that, i was surprised that u asked me out to meet up again, ur still willing to treat me as a good frd, and spared time out with me even tho u had only 1 month in hk... i was sooooooo impressed!
that was the first time i ever treated a frd that worst in my life... and u still keep treating me so good till now, deep in my heart, u are my real true heart frd!

o and of coz, Mindy, a person who knows all my secrets, i lub u~ ^_^

________________________________

family problems, family issues, academic problems,
FUTURE problems...
why u guys come bombarning me AT THE SAME TIME?
im out of control of my emotions these days...
and all my frds are back in hk?

i trust nobody in canada at the moment, who can i talk to?
i dont wanna waste my frds who are in hk listening to me
again and again since time in hk goes fast, and every second
is extremely important to them,
who can i talk to??

麻木的我

良久沒有寫blog, 原因是沒大多感受想寫下

最近發生了好多的事
先事幾個月前, 被C 大罵後, 哭了整整一星期,
好朋友? 從此不再!!
到最近... KL ... 不提也罷

然後, 我在麻醉自己, 常找那人長途電話聊天,
麻醉可以多久? 我不清楚, 我只知道我好多的傷痛,
他都在當我的醫生, 把我洽好

別人看我都覺得我是個開心快活人, 實質自己才清楚

醉

所謂酒醉三分醒

我好憎人借醉

是我錯覺了嗎? 為何總覺得R 在借醉然後親近C 呢?

anywayz, 不關我事 ^_^

幸好KL 早走, 不然... 慘了! lol

正比

一向都認為付出的努力, 跟收獲不一定成正比
讀開history/communications/media 的我走去讀finance/econ!
讀到半死
結果慘敗, 努力白費

我蠢, 別人都覺得好易呀! 是我的問題!
天知道我是個數學經濟白痴.

雜想

別人都認為我有很多朋友, 為什麼?
我卻
..........不嬲都認為自己冇乜朋友

再次放蹤

我再次活在酒精中

教會團契活動後,
跟朋友再次買醉, 一間房內全是我的朋友,
然而他們未必認識對方, 我把A堆朋友介紹給B堆後,
來個join room 酒精派對

很放蹤
玩得把自己麻醉一樣
感覺想快點醉, 因為可以暫時忘掉所有.

玩樂的同時, 一位朋友職責所在, (他是場的manager)
入來應酬我們, 就是一起隊酒精啦,
他呢, 是我的朋友.
一直以來都把這一位朋友看得很重要,
我不肯定我們的友誼有多深, 但他一直都是我心裡好重要的朋友.
由我入大學到現在, 他幫忙過我事多不勝數,
所以他亦是我的恩人.

但我發覺, 他變了, 說不出實在的變,
就是發覺他變了,
人變得好勢利, 好攻心計.
好像再不是我可信任, 可傾訴的真心朋友

所以是次我玩得不太盡興

寂寞

在一大堆人當中
可以感到好寂寞

空虛
似是個空洞的形容詞, 我卻實實在在地感到空虛

在這裡, 我可以暢所欲言
不過以我user name 網址上的名字, 朋友要找到這裡不難

放蹤

很久沒有好好放蹤自己

上學期, 不停的上學/工作/上學/工作,
由10:30am 的課堂開始, 到工作, 再上課, 再工作到晚上10pm
回到家已是11pm

沒有私人時間
難得的假期會睡死
跟個別朋友間中吃飯, 是最大的娛樂

下學期, overload 讀六科(正常的只讀5科, 亦有懶人讀4科)
外加每星期工作15小時
雖則這學期挑了輕鬆的時段上班,
但我辭退工作, 不捨得友善的同事
學業最重要

請容許我放蹤

良久沒有現身任何socialing party 活動
所以, 剛過去的星期5
我基乎"lur" 飯應的答應別人邀請, 到"babyface" 唱k/飲酒
開始的4個whiskey shot把我隊得暈暈
襯未完全暈外出bar台manager calvin求救(manager我是認識的)
得救, 狂飲水

隔天, 原班人馬(不相熟但都很友善的朋友)
在家打麻雀, 其中一位朋友好喜歡calvin, 而那朋友是男的(!!)
所以把calvin叫過來一起玩樂

壓力一掃而空過後, 叉足電,
4 份assignments
我正在努力, 悶時來打blog (我現在好悶)
____________________________________________

他, 是我很重要的朋友,
他, 是我的鈴聽者,
他, 是我入大學以來幫助了我許多的恩人
任何時侯, 無論發生任何事, 他都一定會保護我
他對任何朋友都是這樣的好
他很有風度
只是, 我知道, 他永遠只會是我的好朋友

情意結

1. 對菲律賓人(由其是媽媽級)特別有親切感.
2. 喜歡別菲律賓食品, 由其是沙律及"好紫"的香芋蛋糕
3. 喜歡混在一堆菲律賓人當中
4. 喜歡跟只是比我大幾年的"長輩"朋友聊天
5. 愛"shake shake" 薯條的粉
6. 喜歡R&B的音樂 (最討厭hard metal 類型)

對話

跟Kent 在msn 閒談

kk: 我好辛苦, 又讀書又要返工, shoot me
kent:..... u've died a thousand times
kk: 你快d 殺左我啦, 咁我唔係自殺, 咪唔洗落地獄囉
kent: ok. then i go to hell law
___________________________________

辭退工作, 剛決定不出席"hk formal dinner"的我,
又在跟kent 閒談

kk: i juz decided not going to formal, and i wanna spend all my time on studying this term.....(100 words)...
kent: do wats best for u
kk: i can't believe i'm acting like a nerd
kent: it'll be worth.
u'll grad on time.
thats the most important thing
kk: and ur graduating SOON by the end of the term
kent: i studied for 4 yrs, and most likely another 2 doing my masters
kk: so i will graduate earlier than u technically
kent: congrats then
kk: 我覺得我岩岩好"阿Q精神"囉
kent: hai a.
thats how u should think ma
better than always being all pessimistic
good job!!
-------------------------------------------
原來間唔中阿Q下, 係一件好事

開學

因種種原因, 這學期被逼選了4科econ, 其餘2科為cmst.

這學期一定要六科坐B望A, 結果我蒸發於所有社交活動.
辭退工作
其實我非常不捨得得份工, 最緊要身邊同事待自己好

每當課堂間的空霞, 到圖書館靜坐(讀. 書)
開學的頭一個星期已進入- 非常作戰狀態
禮拜在家溫書, 裝備自己

要把GPA 拉回honour 的標準, 達成我讀傳理系的夢想

二零零八

又一個成長07

過去的2007, 我失去一個很重要的朋友, 一直以真心相待, 無所不談, 然而, 一個小誤會, 把我自以為很堅固的友情給粉碎, 我是重傷的一方. 她把事情對身邊所有人訴說, 從沒有為我方著想, 公然在她的網誌跟朋友討論. 當我努力嘗試化解誤會, 解釋原因, 亦承認事件上我反應過敏, 的確有錯, 她全沒聽進耳內, 「妳扮感性, 這麼說是想讓我心軟, 是怕日後沒有人可聽你傾訴心事吧!?」她說.
我切底的重傷, 難道她以為我只可跟他傾訴? 又或者她以為我把她當「傾聽工具」?
經過時間的洗禮, 心靈的傷口上結了一道杷痕, 只要輕輕的觸及那道杷, 血還是會滲出來。

在香港的暑假, 再一次確定友情的可貴, 令我憶起髮型師的一藉話,
「在外國留學多年, 回港後還跟你聯絡當朋友的人, 就是真朋友」
我在香港的朋友確實一年比一年少; 亦學懂真惜家人。

經Vivian 的介紹下, 在學校的餐廳找到工作, 半工讀, 好不辛苦, 在課堂間工作, 下課後工作到晚上十時. 回到家裡己是十一時正, 讀書做功課是作為學生的本份, 那怕不夠睡眠時間, 結果臉上流露出任何人見過亦會問候句「你很累嗎?」

獨居的我, 學會打理整齊我的「家」. 在這幢殘舊的房子裡, 找到色彩搶眼, 整齊溫暖的客廳
和房間, 定時清理, 很舒服, 好乾淨. 事緣工作上某部份清潔工作, 把我訓練成為一個很會清潔打理的女孩, 在這點再不用依賴香港的媽媽了.

2007 最成功的事, 是主替我鋪排了08 暑假在電台工作, 將會是踏進我理想的第一步。